Against The Grain.

I have this dream of grandeur. You’d think it would be me dreaming of things most of us wish for-a vacation, stumbling upon some pennies from heaven, someone allowing for me to design their home on an unlimited budget (my personal heaven) or perhaps even a shopping spree! Nope. E. None of the above.

To quote my most favorite Disney Princess, Ariel: “I want more!”

Only in this case-it’s TRULY not much to ask. It’s just that for me-it is. It’s as simple as my own peace of mind. I’d kill for that feeling to reign upon me for all of 5 min. Then again, maybe I’d become too spoiled from which to then attempt to function otherwise. I don’t know.

LORD ABOVE how I wish I did know! I YEARN to have SOME ANSWER! SOME EXPLANATION! SOME SORT OF UNDERSTANDING as to WHY THIS DISEASE EATS ME ALIVE. It robs me of my core, my breath, my soul, my life & my ability to not only be the Mother I expect myself to be to my babies but the wife, the friend, the individual & MOST importantly-WHO I TRULY AM.

I have been very mildly medicated on Lexapro for the last approx ten years (with the exception of my pregnancy with Graham-at 29 yo and the SECOND I peed on a stick = I INSTANTLY stopped all medication & felt NOTHING). In fact- those 9 months were the MOST free I have EVER felt in my ENTIRE adult life. I required NOTHING to simply function! It was those beautiful hormones bouncing me up on cloud nine & allowing me to remain there despite my brain normally working against me. Exactly two months to the day following Grahams birth-BAM! BOOM! AND WOW. I PLUMMETED. I was ROCK BOTTOM.

Graham was 2 months old & I was so damn busy seeing to it that the laundry was folded impeccably, the bed was made as though it was a suite at the four seasons-sad part: I was on the brink of missing REAL life. REAL milestones. I had my head up my ass making sure everything else around me was impeccable since I was FALLING APART INSIDE.

Allow me to set something VERY straight- I NEVER BATTLED DEPRESSION (with the exception of about 2 months when I was 18 due to having chronic panic attacks & simply being terrified to be in public in fear of having another!) I am a happy person!! I LOVE people! I LOVE crowds! I sang solos in front of thousands of people & literally felt euphoric while doing so. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME? You have NO idea just how devastating something like this feels to someone who is so naturally outgoing.

See, I feel NOTHING of those “euphoric” emotions via exercise or anything remotely similar. It actually (oddly) does the exact opposite for me. I have asked several professionals & they seem to think I am that “rare” soul who “goes against the grain.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Weird. Me. Against the grain.

Only those who TRULY know me will understand the unbelievable irony within that statement. I will elaborate on that in a moment.

With Violet- I was instantly switched from Lexapro to Zoloft due to it being a more safe alternative for the baby. It worked. I mean, not perfectly but at least i wasnt sucking my thumb in a corner. Aka-with Violet-I didn’t have a PRAYER of not being medicated & keeping her in a safe little womb within my body. She wouldn’t have made it-nor would I.

TWO MONTHS TO THE DAY POST VIOLET-BAM! Same thing happened again. There I was-pacing like a rat in a cage. A hamster on a wheel, what you’d envision some poor soul to look like in a straight jacket in a mental ward.

I was simply BEGGING for PEACE.

PLEASE HELP ME.

PLEASE. I would have done ANYTHING to just not feel that infinite “PIT” consuming my body.

Allow for me to also make something VERY VERY VERY clear-I have NEVER nor would I EVER take my own life IN ANY MANNER. That’s not where this is going. Now, had I had only one baby & something had happened him-Bye. Now, I have two. I would NEVER leave my babies. EVER. This may be WAY bigger than me but it’s not bigger than my love for my babies. It doesn’t take me there. It takes me to more of a place of sheer despair yet oddly I become so ANGRY because I feel like i am so SO much stronger than this. And that I shouldn’t be this “weak!”

I am a HUGE control freak. HUGE. I have ZERO control over this beast. Never have. Never will. It is the biggest demon inside my being. I do EVERYTHING in my power to stop it from robbing me of my babies & from being the mother I’ve always dreamed of being BUT truth be told-if it weren’t for the dr’s & the medication I am on-I simply don’t know if I could forage through this alone. My babies deserve SO much more. They deserve ME & the BEST I have to offer.

Of course, I feel so weak & I feel so defeated & I have my own pity parties on about a bi-yearly basis. IT IS FUCKING HARD. I YEARN to give my babies whom they deserve as a mom but here’s the reality-THIS. IS. ME.

I will forever try to overcome this beast inside of me but if i can’t do so today-it’s ok. It’s not that I don’t love my beautiful babies-it’s that my brain is currently bigger than I am able to control. I like to think of it as my brain being pretty darn smart & powerful?!

The mind & soul can only take so much. Mine tapped out a few years ago at a UGA football game where I literally ran like a feral child into the arms of a COMPLETELY random stranger who just so happened to be an off duty FIRE FIGHTER. He held me tightly & promised me (to add to the dramatic scene of this moment-it was POURING DOWN RAIN!) that I would be ok! That I was safe & he wouldn’t leave me! To this day-I have NO clue who that angel was. I was 18. I am now 36. 18 years later-I will NEVER forget the comfort he brought to me when I was in hysterics.

Thank you to those angels out there. Be the soul who simply gives a hug to someone who you may not realize is literally dying inside & terrified doesn’t begin to describe it.

This shit is REAL. People battle it EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. I actually have NO idea WHY or what CAUSES my hysteria. I would do anything to know. Some things are simply out of our control but if you’re anything like myself-THAT isn’t an answer I am willing to accept.

To all of those battling this hell within-you’re not alone. Thank you for listening to my personal torment.

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